In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device.
In the event of a shallow water landing, your tray table may be used as a skimboard.
In the event of a school lunchroom landing, your bag of peanuts may be used in a food fight.
In the event of a Portland, Ore., landing, your seatbelt may be used as a fashion accessory.
In the event of a rich fantasy life, your blanket may be used as a superhero’s cape.
In the event a fellow passenger or member of your flight crew turns out to be a Cylon skinjob, the overhead bin may be used as a sweet-ass hiding place.
In the event your irrepressible “creative juices” and/or “zany little urges” bubble inevitably to the surface, your barf bag may be used to fashion the most adorable shabby-chic hand-puppets for your Etsy store.
In the event of a quenched thirst, your copy of SkyMall may be used to order a beverage holder shaped like an armadillo for just $19.95 plus shipping.
In the event of a routine flight and landing, your contact information may be used to relentlessly send you “deals” on upcoming flights we have severely under-booked to places nobody wants to go.