Time was, I was funny on Twitter. Not as funny as these other kids, but enough that I made it onto the Favrd leaderboard a few times, had my tweets illustrated, got published in a couple of books and won an award.
Of course, Favrd shut down a while back and, while there’s still Favstar.fm, it’s a service that compiles what other people think are your best tweets.
These? These are the ones I liked.
You know you’re in the South when “towel” has one syllable and “milk” has two.
— R.J. (@hurtling) August 11, 2009
I’m guessing the Uncool Ranch Doritos are shaped like squares.
— R.J. (@hurtling) October 10, 2010
You know what would make this pizza even better? If life wasn’t utterly bereft of meaning.
— R.J. (@hurtling) May 24, 2009
Shit. I’m down to my last Rolaid. Unless life hands me rolls, it’s going to be a long night.
— R.J. (@hurtling) July 8, 2009
Me: “Jameson and ginger, please.”Airport bartender: “Wanna make it a double?”Me: “Unless you have a triple.”
— R.J. (@hurtling) June 18, 2010
I worry we’re nearing a time when the fate of the planet could be altered by someone accidentally hitting send before typing the winkyface.
— R.J. (@hurtling) February 3, 2010
One day we’ll all look back on this and laugh nervously before changing the subject.
— R.J. (@hurtling) June 22, 2009
You know how sometimes a bee flies into your car and you almost drive off the road? It was just like that, only I was using the toilet.
— R.J. (@hurtling) April 22, 2010
This sweet nectar of the noble grape boasts a supple body, a fruit-forward nose and a bold finish. An exceptional ’09 vintage for Nehi.
— R.J. (@hurtling) May 5, 2009
I’d hate to taste Pabst Red Ribbon.
— R.J. (@hurtling) July 18, 2009
The only thing more depressing than last call is first call.
— R.J. (@hurtling) January 21, 2010
I have the whole row to myself on this flight. Cue up that Bob Seger song while I strip down to my underwear.
— R.J. (@hurtling) June 7, 2010
Turns out Geology majors don’t find it all that amusing when you rate your erection on the Moh’s hardness scale.
— R.J. (@hurtling) September 12, 2009
I’m not apathetic. I’m just, you know … whatever.
— R.J. (@hurtling) March 1, 2010
When I see them getting out of their cars, I wonder if clowns are misunderstood and just happen to be really environmentally responsible.
— R.J. (@hurtling) August 12, 2009
I’m at a four-way stop where all four drivers keep waving each other through and nobody goes. I think they call this a Canadian stand-off.
— R.J. (@hurtling) December 14, 2010
Everyone says to shake what your momma gave you, but I can’t get my deep-seated guilt and crippling social phobia to even budge.
— R.J. (@hurtling) August 24, 2009
From the way they’re smiling and laughing, I’d say those chicks across the bar were really impressed with my Chewbacca impression.
— R.J. (@hurtling) August 1, 2009
Look, I have three wrinkled dollar bills and a Frequent Amigo card with nine out of 10 sombrero stamps. Just give me the fucking burrito.
— R.J. (@hurtling) January 26, 2010
It turns out I have my shirt on backwards and I’m wearing two different socks. I apologize for being so flamboyant with my heterosexuality.
— R.J. (@hurtling) February 8, 2010
Woman on elevator: “How are you?”Man on elevator: “I’m wonderful! Every day is a gift from God!”[awkward silence]Me: “He shouldn’t have.”
— R.J. (@hurtling) June 15, 2009
Sure, I’d feel healthier, save money, lose weight and have a renewed sense of self-worth, but if I quit drinking, what would I tweet about?
— R.J. (@hurtling) July 10, 2009
I suck at self-deprecation.
— R.J. (@hurtling) May 25, 2009
Her: “I think your self-loathing is all just an act.”Me: “God, I hate how transparent I am.”
— R.J. (@hurtling) June 12, 2009
There are six empty boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in my trash. Unrelated: There is one unopened box of condoms in the drawer beside my bed.
— R.J. (@hurtling) May 15, 2009
‘Tis the season to be jolly. And also to ever-so-gently tug that partially digested tinsel out of your cat’s butthole.
— R.J. (@hurtling) December 14, 2009
This karaoke machine could use more Mogwai.
— R.J. (@hurtling) May 31, 2009
I’m glad I went into the ballet with an open mind. “Swan Lake” is hands down the best bestiality-themed dance performance I’ve seen all day.
— R.J. (@hurtling) June 22, 2010
World travel taught me that no matter where we’re from or what our ethnic heritage is, once we board a plane we’re all equally insufferable.
— R.J. (@hurtling) September 26, 2009
So I’m leaving China this afternoon to return to the States. I assume there’s a kiosk at the airport where I get my happy ending, right?
— R.J. (@hurtling) September 26, 2009
Decades of fried rice orders led me to believe communication with the people of China would be a lot more conveniently numbered than this.
— R.J. (@hurtling) September 21, 2009
I know Hong Kong is more Westernized than the rest of China, but do you think it’s safe to assume they don’t go pee pee in your Coke here?
— R.J. (@hurtling) September 15, 2009