Things to do when you lock yourself out of the house on a Sunday morning in the rain

  • Verify the emptiness of your pockets every fifteen minutes.
  • Locate a dry, secluded spot where you could relieve yourself should it come to that.
  • Imagine a fantastic scenario in which your landlord just happens to be dropping by. And she’s with her best friend, Megan Fox! They went to high school together, see. “Let’s get you out of those wet clothes,” she says. And they brought doughnuts!
  • Identify the sturdiest part of the awning frame from which you could conceivably hang yourself with the dog’s leash.
  • Attempt to fashion a crude lockpick from a piece of wet mulch.
  • Mutter “smug asshole” under your breath when the guy across the street returns home from a dog walk, produces a jangly set of keys and lets himself inside.
  • See an ant. Watch him crawl around. Wonder about his ant life in his ant world. Is he happy? Does he have other ant friends? What kind of relationship does he have with his parents. Name him Roland. Speak to him in a British accent. “It’s bloody awful out ‘ere, innit?” Feel slightly wistful for the good times you shared when Roland is fatally crippled by a raindrop.
  • Ask the dog, “Who’s a good boy?” repeatedly — and really mean it for the first time.

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